Why get marriedPosted on February 16, 2015 by Rabbi Manis Friedman
Why Get Married?
The problem and confusion today is that people think you get married for “this” or “that.” They really believe that the only reason to get married is for some “this” and for some “that.” A little love, a little friendship – no! Marriage is bigger than that. So if we get this clear in our heads, you don’t marry someone because they are cute. You marry someone because you’re supposed to be married, and if you have a choice, marry the cute one, but not because he’s cute. You marry for the sake of marriage, and you marry the one who is nicer and easier to get along with. But why are you marrying him? To be married to him.
Can you marry anybody?
Theoretically, you can marry anybody….
Let’s look at this: a guy wants to be married for the right reason. What is the right reason? To not be alone, to be connected to another person and become one.
If that’s what he’s dating you for, because he wants to be married, than if you fit, you get along, and you are comfortable with each other, he will marry you. If he’s not thinking marriage, he’s thinking “this” or “that,” and he dates you, and he’s thinking, “Yes, you’re great, you’re fine. Yes, everything I have ever wanted you have.”
“Are we getting married?”
“Well, why not?”
“Because who knows? The next girl I meet may be even better.”
What does that tell you? Does he want to be married, or does he want to meet another girl? Does he want to be married, or is he looking for more of “this” and more of “that?”
If a guy comes back from a date and says, “She’s not my type.” Okay, fine! If he comes back from a date and says, “She’s wonderful. I have no complaints, no criticism. She’s everything a person could want, but the next one could be even better, so why should I marry her?” It might be true. It will always be true. What’s wrong with that is he’s not going to get married. Are you looking for who’s out there, or do you want to get married?
If a person says, “I met a very nice girl. She’s very good, but I want to keep looking,” that tells you he’s not focused on marriage – he’s focused on “things.”
When you go out three, four, five times and the guy says, “Yes, I want to marry you,” what is he really saying? I love you? He is saying, “If I marry you, I can love you.” Not, “I already love you, but if I am married to you I could love you.” Sometimes you go out with someone and say, “You know, if I were married to him, I’d commit suicide.” In other words, I can’t imagine ever loving him, so I’m not marrying him. Not, “I already love you, and that’s why I’m marrying you.”
If I marry you, I will love you – that’s what marriage means. Not, “if I love you, I will marry you” but “if I marry you, I will love you.”
So what should you see in a person before you agree to marry that person? Here’s the important thing: you already know that he is a good guy, you already know what he believes and what he thinks (you know that before you even go out). If you don’t, then you find out on the first two dates. On the first two dates, you do not ask yourself whether you want to marry him, because you barely know him. On the first two dates, all you need to know is whether you would enjoy another date (not whether you want to marry him). If you would enjoy another date, so you go out a third time. Would you enjoy spending another hour with him? Go out a fourth time. After four times, it is possible to know whether you can work together – you can know that. What is it that tells you that the chemistry is good? If you can sit with him for fifteen minutes and not say anything, and he doesn’t say anything, and it’s comfortable, that means there is good chemistry. If you feel pressure – you have to say something, or “why doesn’t he say anything?” – it’s not good chemistry. Good chemistry means he makes you comfortable and you make him comfortable. Which means that with him, you don’t have to put on a show. That is so good. So he’s a nice guy, he’s a good guy, he’s a smart guy, he’s a decent looking and makes you comfortable – go for it!
Your objective is to be married, so if all of that is there, marry him. You’ve got a long life ahead of you, and you’ve got to get it started. You want to start a family, you want to be a family – marry him.